Sunday, April 26, 2009

{...stike three...}

this was a couple weeks ago...

i guess it's getting old.

i only have 2 cycles left.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

{...stike two...}

I started my period in Disneyland.

Then, when I got home, my sister-in-law called to tell me she was 2 hours pregnant with her third child in less than 2 1/2 years.

Then J's work cancelled their insurance policy.

Then I cried.

Hard.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

{...strike one...}

Of course my pain in the ass sister in law announced today that she is having a baby girl, due on me and J's wedding anniversary.

Strike one.

No baby.

Just death cramps.

I am going to go eat my emotions with J's, and maybe go shopping...retail therapy.

Thank you, all of you.

I feel loved and that's what I need.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

{...anybody out there...}

I haven't been here in quite some time, so I don't know if anyone is still out there.

Quick recap, have to tell someone...

I am on clomid.

It makes me crazy.

I get to try it five months, after that, no more.

I will know on Valentine's Day if I am pregnant from cycle one.

Eesh, I am scared to death.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

{...water...}

It's impossible to be as 'real' as I want to be on my other blog. I think it scares people.

I do find it interesting though, and I wonder if there is truly a place where I can be 'real.' Perhaps all these emotions are destined to hide in the inner recesses of my mind forever. That's a very daunting thought.

Maybe this thought by C.S. Lewis will help...

'Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.'

This is my vise. This is what will, eventually (if make the choice to let it) tear my soul apart. It will be the spiritual death of me. That too is a daunting thought.

I have to tools to overcome this, I am very aware of that, but my apathy has become stronger with each passing day. It is so much easier to give in to apathy. To give in, to give up, to be bitter, hateful and sardonic. To push those away who love you, to wallow in your own self pity.

These things can overwhelm you, and then drown you.

I feel like I'm barely treading water.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

{...recoil...}

I find that I'm falling into myself.

This is something that I fight with daily. It takes so much energy to not pull away from those I love. For some asinine reason I always think It'll be easier if I could just do this alone.

While there is so much in my mind and heart right now, sleep is calling. Since this is a rare occasion, I think I will answer the call.

I hope you all are doing well.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

{...lost...}

I don't know how to overcome the sadness I am feeling lately.

I also don't know how to overcome the physical limitations I am experiencing. Lately the pain from the surgery and from my most awesome exploding ovaries makes me almost black out. It's becoming more and more difficult to hang out with anyone because I feel so embarrassed. There are only a handful of people that I still feel comfortable around.

Something I am trying so hard not to do is shut people out. It's become such an internal struggle. 99% of my friends have children and half of those are on their second. Bitterness is not the driving force in this, it's sadness. My heart is ripped up daily. It's hard for the wound to heal if it keeps opening up. Every time fresh blood is spilt it takes days to recover.

Who wants to live their life like that? Why can't I just figure out the secret to moving on...

{...depth...}

I read a book this past week that really got me thinking about the depth of human emotion. It is something I do not understand in the slightest, but it is something I experience daily. Oft times my emotions play directly into my physical being. This boggles me even more. How something emotional, something mental, can cause me such physical pain. There have been times when my heart has physically hurt, my body shakes, and I can feel the emotional clear down in my fingertips. It is all encompassing, so overwhelming and it takes an ati.van or two to counteract the emotions.

The insane about of meds I'm on doesn't help much either.

It's even more unnerving that it is practically impossible to control my emotions. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm breaking down, tears streaming down my face, laying on the floor with my ipod blasting Sarah M.'s 'Fallen Live' album. It's interesting how I can feel the same vivid, painful emotions that I did the day I delivered Addalyn. It's been over a year but I feel it like it happened yesterday. That empty, lost desperate ache in my heart. Walking out of the hospital with empty arms. Leaving my dreams in the gutter.

Lately I have found that my grieving for Addie and for my other lost pregnancies has slowed. It hurts, it's true but I have learned to cope or maybe there have been so many new things pop up that I have been forced to move on. Now I'm grieving my inability to have a child. Who knew that would be so emotionally and physically painful. My pal had her baby last night and while talking to her today those emotions and that pain surfaced and it was very hard to regain my composure. My heart years for a child. For that opportunity to be a mother. I am constantly suppressing that feeling because I don't think I can deal with more disappointments.

I even bought brand new, beautiful micro suede couches this week. They are creme, almost white. No one in their right mind would buy these couches if they planned on having kids. Even the sales guy said that. I'm trying to hard to break into this 'childless' lifestyle.

Sure, I'm only 23, but learning all this, that you are going through menopause. That your life is forever changed. Your body has betrayed you. Life feels impossible. Sure, adoption is an option. We can even talk about freezing eggs (if there are any good ones) if they decided to take out my uterus/ovaries and then find a surrogate. (WOW, expensive!) It just hurts. I want to be pregnant. I want to experience that...longer than five months. I want a little boy with J's eyes, the cowlick in his hair, his even temperament. A little girl with my stubborn attitude, my unruly curly hair...

I want that. I cry for that every day. Tears will not change things, but I let them flow freely because I can't stop them. The emotion is too deep. It takes over my entire body and I have to succumb to it.

As much as I try to be happy, this will always linger over me. That scares me.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

{...el fin...}

It's an odd feeling, realizing that all hope for a child has just crumbled right in front of me. Of course I am referring to having a biological child, and adoption is something I'll focus on later, but right now I'm completely devastated.

The physical toll I am under right now is more than I can handle. My body has betrayed me and there isn't anything I can do to fix it. I'm in a lot of pain on top of that from my ovaries imploding (at least that's what it feels like), and with the insane headaches I still have thanks to my surgery. There isn't an end in sight. I wake up tired and hurting, I go to bed tired and hurting only to toss and turn and only sleep an average of 3 hours. My emotions are on the fritz. My mental status feels like it's on the fritz. I'm feel a bit helpless and a bit desperate.

I'm lucky though, because I have an awesome husband and a great support group of friends and fellow bloggers. I can't do this on my own.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

{...honesty...}

I cannot do this anymore. I can't handle being 23 and going through menopause. I didn't know that could happen. I can't do this.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

{...}

When will I be free?