trying to find my center...

{...stike three...}

2009-04-26T19:37:00.001-06:00

this was a couple weeks ago...

i guess it's getting old.

i only have 2 cycles left.

{...stike two...}

2009-03-24T21:51:00.002-06:00

I started my period in Disneyland.

Then, when I got home, my sister-in-law called to tell me she was 2 hours pregnant with her third child in less than 2 1/2 years.

Then J's work cancelled their insurance policy.

Then I cried.

Hard.

{...strike one...}

2009-02-14T14:52:00.003-07:00

Of course my pain in the ass sister in law announced today that she is having a baby girl, due on me and J's wedding anniversary.

Strike one.

No baby.

Just death cramps.

I am going to go eat my emotions with J's, and maybe go shopping...retail therapy.

Thank you, all of you.

I feel loved and that's what I need.

{...anybody out there...}

2009-02-03T19:25:00.003-07:00

I haven't been here in quite some time, so I don't know if anyone is still out there.

Quick recap, have to tell someone...

I am on clomid.

It makes me crazy.

I get to try it five months, after that, no more.

I will know on Valentine's Day if I am pregnant from cycle one.

Eesh, I am scared to death.

{...water...}

2008-05-31T23:15:00.002-06:00

It's impossible to be as 'real' as I want to be on my other blog. I think it scares people.

I do find it interesting though, and I wonder if there is truly a place where I can be 'real.' Perhaps all these emotions are destined to hide in the inner recesses of my mind forever. That's a very daunting thought.

Maybe this thought by C.S. Lewis will help...

'Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.'

This is my vise. This is what will, eventually (if make the choice to let it) tear my soul apart. It will be the spiritual death of me. That too is a daunting thought.

I have to tools to overcome this, I am very aware of that, but my apathy has become stronger with each passing day. It is so much easier to give in to apathy. To give in, to give up, to be bitter, hateful and sardonic. To push those away who love you, to wallow in your own self pity.

These things can overwhelm you, and then drown you.

I feel like I'm barely treading water.

{...recoil...}

2008-05-28T22:09:00.002-06:00

I find that I'm falling into myself.

This is something that I fight with daily. It takes so much energy to not pull away from those I love. For some asinine reason I always think It'll be easier if I could just do this alone.

While there is so much in my mind and heart right now, sleep is calling. Since this is a rare occasion, I think I will answer the call.

I hope you all are doing well.

{...lost...}

2008-05-25T21:24:00.002-06:00

I don't know how to overcome the sadness I am feeling lately.

I also don't know how to overcome the physical limitations I am experiencing. Lately the pain from the surgery and from my most awesome exploding ovaries makes me almost black out. It's becoming more and more difficult to hang out with anyone because I feel so embarrassed. There are only a handful of people that I still feel comfortable around.

Something I am trying so hard not to do is shut people out. It's become such an internal struggle. 99% of my friends have children and half of those are on their second. Bitterness is not the driving force in this, it's sadness. My heart is ripped up daily. It's hard for the wound to heal if it keeps opening up. Every time fresh blood is spilt it takes days to recover.

Who wants to live their life like that? Why can't I just figure out the secret to moving on...

{...depth...}

2008-05-25T01:44:00.002-06:00

I read a book this past week that really got me thinking about the depth of human emotion. It is something I do not understand in the slightest, but it is something I experience daily. Oft times my emotions play directly into my physical being. This boggles me even more. How something emotional, something mental, can cause me such physical pain. There have been times when my heart has physically hurt, my body shakes, and I can feel the emotional clear down in my fingertips. It is all encompassing, so overwhelming and it takes an ati.van or two to counteract the emotions.

The insane about of meds I'm on doesn't help much either.

It's even more unnerving that it is practically impossible to control my emotions. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm breaking down, tears streaming down my face, laying on the floor with my ipod blasting Sarah M.'s 'Fallen Live' album. It's interesting how I can feel the same vivid, painful emotions that I did the day I delivered Addalyn. It's been over a year but I feel it like it happened yesterday. That empty, lost desperate ache in my heart. Walking out of the hospital with empty arms. Leaving my dreams in the gutter.

Lately I have found that my grieving for Addie and for my other lost pregnancies has slowed. It hurts, it's true but I have learned to cope or maybe there have been so many new things pop up that I have been forced to move on. Now I'm grieving my inability to have a child. Who knew that would be so emotionally and physically painful. My pal had her baby last night and while talking to her today those emotions and that pain surfaced and it was very hard to regain my composure. My heart years for a child. For that opportunity to be a mother. I am constantly suppressing that feeling because I don't think I can deal with more disappointments.

I even bought brand new, beautiful micro suede couches this week. They are creme, almost white. No one in their right mind would buy these couches if they planned on having kids. Even the sales guy said that. I'm trying to hard to break into this 'childless' lifestyle.

Sure, I'm only 23, but learning all this, that you are going through menopause. That your life is forever changed. Your body has betrayed you. Life feels impossible. Sure, adoption is an option. We can even talk about freezing eggs (if there are any good ones) if they decided to take out my uterus/ovaries and then find a surrogate. (WOW, expensive!) It just hurts. I want to be pregnant. I want to experience that...longer than five months. I want a little boy with J's eyes, the cowlick in his hair, his even temperament. A little girl with my stubborn attitude, my unruly curly hair...

I want that. I cry for that every day. Tears will not change things, but I let them flow freely because I can't stop them. The emotion is too deep. It takes over my entire body and I have to succumb to it.

As much as I try to be happy, this will always linger over me. That scares me.

{...el fin...}

2008-05-21T12:03:00.002-06:00

It's an odd feeling, realizing that all hope for a child has just crumbled right in front of me. Of course I am referring to having a biological child, and adoption is something I'll focus on later, but right now I'm completely devastated.

The physical toll I am under right now is more than I can handle. My body has betrayed me and there isn't anything I can do to fix it. I'm in a lot of pain on top of that from my ovaries imploding (at least that's what it feels like), and with the insane headaches I still have thanks to my surgery. There isn't an end in sight. I wake up tired and hurting, I go to bed tired and hurting only to toss and turn and only sleep an average of 3 hours. My emotions are on the fritz. My mental status feels like it's on the fritz. I'm feel a bit helpless and a bit desperate.

I'm lucky though, because I have an awesome husband and a great support group of friends and fellow bloggers. I can't do this on my own.

{...honesty...}

2008-05-20T21:06:00.001-06:00

I cannot do this anymore. I can't handle being 23 and going through menopause. I didn't know that could happen. I can't do this.

{...}

2008-05-15T15:04:00.001-06:00

When will I be free?

{...hallelujah...}

2008-05-14T08:17:00.003-06:00

'Well I heard there was a secret chord that David played and it pleased the Lord but you don't really care for music do you? It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth , the minor fall, the major lift. The baffled king composing hallelujah.'

'Well maybe there is a god above but all I've ever learned from love was how to shoot somebody who out drew you. And it's not a cry that you hear at night, it's not somebody who has seen the light, it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.'

Quite possibly one of the best songs ever written.

I feel very somber today. Perhaps it's the grey overcast outside. Perhaps it's the fact that, even with an awesome dose of am.bien, I still didn't sleep more than a couple hours. It could be the insane nausea I am experiencing right now, or the headache, or the heartache. Maybe it's knowing what's true but having too much pride to admit it.

Last night I had to give in to the ipod to help me sleep. I usually only have to listen to soothing music to fall asleep when I'm sick, having brain surgery, or insanely sad. Hmmm, 2 out of 3. J said when he came into bed (he was up studying for a math test) that I was all wrapped up in the ear buds and I was singing 'Hallelujah' in my sleep. He checked the ipod to see if it was playing, but it wasn't. Singing, at least in my prior life, has always been an emotional outlet. I kinda gave it up when things got bad. When I was pregnant I used to sing to myself and the baby. I was worried that the baby would get my nose or my combination skin, so I figured I would try and pass on an awesome trait, like my musical abilities. Sure I can sing on key, and I have a good ear, and music and my life are pretty much intertwined. I wanted to share that.

Now I've completely let go of the whole 'singing' thing. J asked me this morning if I remembered singing last night, I of course didn't. (thank you am.bien) It just got me thinking. I've let go of so many things that have made me happy and brought me peace over the last couple years. Like I am punishing myself. I have to stay miserable. Anything that brought you happiness you can no longer enjoy. Hmmm, messed up much?

J asked if I would sing him a song tonight when he got home. I said no.

He said I was burying something great. I don't know.

It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.

{...sunday...}

2008-05-09T17:30:00.002-06:00

So, Mom's Day is looming.

It feels like it's an exclusive, bad ass club and every time I apply to get in I get a rejection letter.

Every time I get a rejection letter, I simultaneously gain 25 pounds.

{...where i stand...}

2008-05-07T12:42:00.000-06:00

Hey Now
Augustana

sky black and blue
blue turned to red
it's quiet in the streets now
it's screaming in your head

i ain't a fool
i've got my doubts
say it doesn't hurt
doesn't matter anyhow
anyhow

saying hey you're bleeding for nothing
it's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
we'll kill ourself to find freedom
you'll kill yourself to find anything at all

so lock all the doors
and put your child to rest
it's quiet in the streets now
it's screaming in your head
we're passing the time
we're breaking apart
we're damned at the end
we're damned at the start
blame it on the roses
blame it on the red
running out of time
running out of breath

saying hey now you're bleeding for nothing
it's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
we'll kill ourself to find freedom
you'll kill yourself to find anything

you say good-bye
every day and night
with writing on the walls
everybody's gonna need somebody
to take our troubles, and our worries, and our problems all away

'cause, hey you're just bleeding for nothing
it's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
we'll kill ourself to find freedom
you'll kill yourself to find anything at all

hey now you're bleeding for nothing
it's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
we'll kill ourself to find freedom
you'll kill yourself before
you'll kill yourself again

hey now, hey now, hey now
right now

hey now, hey now

{...more ramblings...}

2008-05-04T22:08:00.002-06:00

I have decided that I type a lot of random, seemingly unimportant things. While this is true, a pal of mine said that confronting our problems face to face is much better than leaving them as unwritten chaos in our minds. So I guess this is my way of facing my problems. At least I hope it is. I find writing insanely therapeutic and cathartic and I'll be honest I need more of that in my life.

So I seem to be having a series of bad days. It's turning into a couple bad weeks. Part of me starts to fret because the last thing I want to engage in is an awesome bought of depression. The other part of me thinks that feeling like crap is completely normal, especially given my most awesome of circumstances. I really thought that with the brain tumor/surgery I was really turning a corner, accepting the inevitable, but lately the pain and the desire for a child has hit me hard. I guess hearing about how the docs wanna take out my ovaries kinda sealed the deal.

I am doing better in one area. I will hold and play with babies now. I have a couple favorites even. One of my best friends has a little boy named Jameson. We are like sisters so she says that he'll grow up knowing me as 'Aunt Kenna.' He's adorable and I love him. His mom, Stephanie, struggled for 4 years to get him so we share a common bond that way. Then there is Emma, an adorable little 13 month old. J and I have come to love her as well. Her mom struggled with a rough bought of infertility as well, so we too share a common bond. Then there is little India, she's 2 years old. I talked about her in a previous post. While her mom hasn't suffered any fertility problems she has been a champ in helping me cope. Isn't it amazing the difference other people make in this messed up experience?

Lately I feel like I need to get a lot of things of my chest but I don't know how. There are feelings inside me that are starting to cause a lot of problems. It's funny because my therapist says I'm fine, that these feeling are so normal, and expected and if I didn't have them then she would be worried. They are just hard to deal with sometimes. I have grown accustomed to crying a lot, alone (with J working until 10:30 at night makes for a lot of alone time) but sometimes I wish I wasn't so embarrassed by crying that I could do it in front of someone. I have a feeling that the comfort anyone could offer would be a huge help. Sometimes I feel so ashamed of what I am feeling.

J was asked to give a talk in sacrament on Sunday. I find that interesting as Steve, a member of the bishopric, knows what we have been through. I'm glad they asked J though. If anyone has asked me to share thoughts on motherhood, I would have have said 'no' instantly without giving it a second though, and I wouldn't have felt bad either. J is so much better at these things.

Lately I find myself struggling with my religion, or just religion in general. There are some things that just feel and seem so wrong. I have been LDS my whole life, but I find myself losing touch with anything spiritual. I don't feel like fighting to keep it either.

Sunday night, on the brink of a new week. I can honestly say I have no motivation to begin a new week, and at this moment I am scared because I don't know if I can make it through this one.

{...a positive...}

2008-05-04T21:26:00.001-06:00

If I had a child or were expecting one, I probably wouldn't be able or would have gone out and spent 800 bucks on a Wii and all the rad accessories. I guess we might as well bulk up on all the fun stuff now.

{...sleepy...}

2008-05-03T00:22:00.002-06:00

I have 3 different nightmares that rotate. Tonight I have been forcing myself awake from all three of them...and it's only 12:30 am.

Looks like I'm in for a long night.

This is interesting because I take all my meds at night so lately I sleep a little better. I'm so drugged that I don't dream much. I don't know why tonight is an exception, although if I'm gonna have a sleepless night I would rather it a weekend. I get to sleep in tomorrow.

These are the three nightmares that I have:

1.) I have a dream (nightmare) that I'm happy, and that Addie is still alive. I feel genuine joy, my heart doesn't hurt, and I'm so into this dream that losing her is the dream. Then she starts to cry and I get up to find her...then I wake up...and she doesn't exist.

2.) I re-live the night I delivered her, and instead of letting us hold her and see her, the doc takes her away and I watch him throw Addie into the trash. I'm kicking and screaming and demanding they give her back to me but they won't. No one is listening. Then I see the doc inserting a needle into my iv and then...I wake up.

3.) I dream that I had another baby and I'm holding it against my chest...and I can smell that perfect baby smell. I am perfectly content. Sigh, then I wake up.

I have had these at least 2 times a week since I lost Addie over a year ago. That is a lot of sleepless nights. Most of the time when I wake up and try to go back to sleep I get stuck in that 'in between' stage of sleep where I am having the dream again but I KNOW I'm dreaming and if I just wake up it'll stop. So, all night I fall half asleep, then I force myself awake...fall asleep...force myself awake. Eventually after that I force myself out of bed and out to the couch to watch a movie.

Add on to these horrible dreams that my heart aches, and you've got one cranky, sleepy, broken Kenna.

I hate this form of myself. It feels so pathetic.

I want to cry but I'm too tired. J has to work in the morning so I don't want bother him.

Feeling alone in the middle of the night is not how I would like to spend the next five or six hours.

Then again, I guess I don't have a choice in the matter right now.

{...another sigh...}

2008-05-02T18:43:00.002-06:00

I found out today my very good friend is pregnant.

First off, I am genuinely so happy for her. She has a daughter named India who is adorable and I just love their family. My friend Erin has, in a sense, 'shared' India with me. I love the little girl like my own and Erin has been such an amazing friend to me.

Of course this doesn't come without some sting right?

I had to run down to the store for work today and I was behind a cart with an adorable, very new baby boy in it. The gal behind me tapped me on the shoulder and asked, 'Oh, is that your gorgeous little boy?' I could barely choke out a 'No.' I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes so I made a quick escape from the line.

I am trying so hard to come to terms with everything. After believing and hoping that things will turn out, now I have to pound into my head that it probably won't and that when the time comes J and I can look into other options. I'm just not that patient I guess.

Strike that, I'm not patient at all.

Mom's Day is coming up. I felt like an idiot last year and i'm sure that this year won't differ. i just feel soooo awkward. It's like I am in this 'Mom Limbo.' I had a baby, but a dead baby, so does that count, and I a mother, probably not, I want to be, but for some freakish reason it isn't working...blah blah blah blah.

It's time for a per.cocet and a coke.

{...sigh...}

2008-05-02T15:18:00.002-06:00

Is it possible to go a full 24 hours without my heart wanting to break or crying? I'm beginning to think not.

{...ick...}

2008-04-30T22:09:00.002-06:00

It's kind of uncanny how our bodies can turn on us. I thought we were pals, me and my body, but sometimes I feel like my body is out to get me.

Every time I look in the mirror I feel like crying. Since I lost my baby, I gained over 80 lbs. My skin, that used to be blemish free, is now blemish covered. I eat healthy, I try to exercise as much as I can, I am not really doing anything different than I was a couple years ago. It's just all thanks to my body that doesn't feel the need to work properly. When you mess with hormones, it's like you are messing with the mafia of your body.

Everyone knows you don't mess with the mafia.

It's hard to have energy and tenacity when I now have zero confidence. I hate going out in public. I feel like everyone is looking at my face, my body, and thinking, 'Geez, that girl looks horrible. I can't believe she even stepped out of her house. Does she not take care of herself?' Then I rush home, run inside, and hide.

It's a painful feeling, not being comfortable in my own skin.

It's hard to go from so outgoing and confident, to so low and scared to leave my house. I am scared that even friends and family feel this way, and Josh, how can he stand to look at me? I'm not who he married at all. He must be so disappointed.

{...safe...}

2008-04-30T11:47:00.003-06:00

I think when talking about life the word 'safe' takes on a lot of different meanings to all of us individually.

When I think of the word 'safe,' I usually think of locking my doors or putting on my seat belt. All these things will keep me safe. Having common sense, ya know? Not picking up a rattle snake, not going 110 down the free way...keeping myself safe. I thought about this last night and I realized I am a pro at keeping myself physically safe. Well, from the things I can control at least. This is probably from 18 years of my mother pounding into my head how to keep myself safe.

What about emotionally?

I was up until about 3 in the am thinking about how I am also a pro at this form of safety as well. I haven't been in the past, and it has really come back to bite me in the ass at times. I have always been a trusting person but when times really got hard, when I experienced some of the worst and most painful experiences of my life, the people I trusted the most to keep my feelings and emotions safe completely screwed me. They took my deepest fears, my darkest secrets and trumped them into the ground right in front of me. I have been told over and over again that I shouldn't share such feelings. They are too deep. They are too heavy. You need therapy.

A couple months ago at one of my therapy sessions my shrink asked why I didn't have close friends. You know, that the ultimate girlfriend that you can call when you are having a breakdown...the one what will come rescue you from your tears and love you even though you are falling apart. I laughed at her. I said, 'Do you think those really exist? Those types of relationships?' I mean, yes, I have this kind of relationship with my husband. The man has put me back together more times that we will ever be able to keep track of. She said that yes, having a close relationship with my husband is so important, but having a friend is just as important. I was confused. The past couple years I have made a ton of friends, but I have never tried to go any deeper into the friend than what's your favorite ice cream and what's your middle name. With some friends I have ventured further, letting them share with me their fears, their wants, their needs, their dreams. I like being trusted, and I try to keep their trust because I know how horrible it hurts to have that betrayed, but I never shared the deepest corners of my soul to any of them. It scares the hell out of me and I figured it wasn't worth it. I wanted to keep myself safe. My therapist encouraged me to try to open up with someone, to share, to be vulnerable and all that sappy stuff that chick flicks are made of.

I laughed at her again.

You don't just walk up to a 'close' friend and say, 'You ready for this? I'm about to bear my soul.' Relationships take time, lots of time. For me they take even longer. I am constantly beating myself up about what I say, what I share, and how I feel. I am embarrassed by my inability to articulate the things that hurt me the most, and when I try it comes out so messed up I can't believe that anyone would want to listen. Except for the shrink of course, but she got paid bank to listen. I don't even understand how I feel or why I feel that way sometimes.

How do you find someone willing to take a chance on you and your messed up emotional state?

Well, maybe there is a God and maybe He's listening because for the first time in a very long time, I was able to express, the best I could, what I was feeling...out loud...to another person...who wasn't getting paid. Perhaps it was all the medication I was on that allowed me to be so incredibly uninhibited. Or maybe my heart was breaking and she was willing to be there to help clean up the mess. Not only was I able to talk, but she talked back, she shared her experiences, her feelings, and I will say that I have never been more honored or felt more privileged to be gaining her trust. She is so real. So willing to care, to listen, and to, if I need it, fall apart. She doesn't expect me to be strong all of the time. She doesn't have expectations. After I share she doesn't say, 'Get over it,' 'You aren't trying hard enough...' She completely validates me. You know how refreshing that is? Do you know how refreshing it is to realize I can trust someone? That someone wants (I hope, I could be completely off base) to know how I really feel. How I truly feel. Not the same bs I give to every single person who asks how I am.

She is the kind of person we need more of in this world.

When I came home last night I felt safe, peaceful. Most of the time after I talk to someone about the deep and heavy things I come home in a complete panic. I go over in my mind the million ways I just proved I was crazy. That I can't cope. That I'm just a worthless person who can't figure it out. Yeah, I won't say that I didn't feel those things, but they didn't last. I went to bed feeling so relieved. So free.

I won't lie, I worry that she'll figure out who I really am, how off center I feel, how needy and lost I tend to be. That after that 2 hour talk she'll want to kick me out the door and never hear from me again. I wish I could promise that after one conversation of the 'heavier things' that I will be better, lighter, not walking around with a dark, raining cloud over my head. I wish I could but I can't. I can't. I can promise that I will never, ever betray your trust, nor will I ever take lightly the things that are close to you. That I will be here for you when you need me, like you are there for me. I am that person you can call at 3 am if needed. I am really good at buying ice cream too, it solves everything.

There has to be a God, because there are people like her.

I have a lot more on my mind, but I am exhausted and don't feel like writing anymore. They only way I feel I can express my emotions adequately is to post the lyrics to a song that seems to describe exactly how I feel. (ps, if you ever have a moment, look this song up, it's beautiful)

Thanks for listening everyone.

What I Wouldn't Give
Holly Brook

Feeling like I can't forgive, but I want to
It's like I don't know how to live, I’m afraid to
I used to think take them as they come, without hesitations, no
Now it's like my head is filled with lies, and persuasions

As the sun begins to fall I hear her calling out to me
She's sayin' hurry it's one more day gone

What I wouldn't give just to forget
So I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

I am feeling dissonant, and distracted
The toxic chemicals are spilling in my head
And they're bleeding deadly reactions

And as the moon begins to rise he shows me all the colors
That I’m hiding I’m hiding myself

What I wouldn't give just to forget
What I wouldn't give to get some rest
So I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

Am I desperately losing this fight
When I should really be choosing my flight

Take me now

What I wouldn't give just to forget
What I wouldn't give to get some rest
So I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

{...damn drugs...}

2008-04-28T18:29:00.002-06:00

I feel so ill.

Heather you were right. I am having the same problems you did and I seriously haven't felt so disgustingly ill in a long time, even with brain surgery. I guess I have to hang in there and wait for my lame ass body to respond. Perhaps I should try on not offending my body, but lately I just don't care. If it's not going to listen to anyone, then I'm not going to be nice anymore.

Right now I am laying on my couch. The window is open, it's a beautiful evening, and someone outside is mowing the lawn. The sounds of summer. I can smell the fresh cut grass. Even though I am insanely allergic to grass pollen, I love the smell. It makes me feel so happy, so care free...or so I thought.

Not today it doesn't. I want to yell 'shut the hell up' out the window, and slam it shut. Wow, what an attitude huh?

So I almost went three whole days without perc.ocet but I just caved. I am in so much pain and this will sound like I'm a complete addict, and maybe I am, but my body is screaming for it.

I just figured out that Mother's Day is coming up. I just lost the tenacity to blog.

Thank you my dear friends, for the comments. They lift me up and allow me to carry on.

{...bleeding heart...}

2008-04-27T20:56:00.002-06:00

I do not know what my problem is, and it's frustrating me to the point of utter exhaustion.

I don't want to work anymore. I just want to sleep all day. My brain can't take much more of life right now or else it's gonna explode. I lack energy. I lack tenacity. I lack everything.

So I went to the doc this week and had my ultrasound. (of the ovaries) The doc has me on a new bc, Yas.min, so see if we can't organize all the messed up hormones in my body. He also put me on Met.formin for my pcos, which has now made my body insulin resistant. This compliments my type 2 diabetes. My last cycle was 51 days, so the doc really wants to focus on getting me back on a normal cycle. Hmmm, it's been years since I've had a normal 28 day cycle. In fact, I can't remember the last time.

The ultrasound, well, my ovaries look like shit. Will I ever get good news? That's all we need to say really. Doc will call sometime this week with the 'official results.'

It's been a hard week. After getting all the new medication I felt so helpless. Why do I need so much medication to make my body work the way it's supposed to? I'm too young for this. For a couple days I thought about not taking the meds quite yet. To try to get pregnant this month. You never know. It could happen. It could work. We could have a baby. Then, my heart just knew that it wasn't going to happen. That I have to suck it up and take the meds. I have to get myself better, 'normal', and that yeah, this sucks, but I have to fix my body first.

Sigh, this is what infertility has done to me. I'm a mess. I'm sad. I'm heartbroken. I just want to cry and cry. Now that I was told my ovaries aren't lookin' good at all, it hit me. There really isn't a chance is there? Well, perhaps there is a chance, but it's soooo small! Plus, if there are some viable eggs...what if they can't do that surgery? What if they can't fix my uterus? IUI/IVF aren't an option if my uterus can't hold a baby longer than 20 weeks.

I just want to feel better! NORMAL!

I can't do this anymore. I can't.

{...losses & gains...}

2008-04-19T18:58:00.003-06:00

Today when I was in Salt Lake I decided to stop by my brothers grave. It's been a very long time since I have visited last. (...Ian died when he was 3, I was 2...) I told him how I was, what was going on, how I was feeling. I oft times feel guilty that I don't visit him more, and since I am up in Salt Lake every Saturday I really have no excuse. While standing there, I felt an overwhelming sense of the what I have lost and been through so far in my life. Honestly it made me ill inside.

I know I talked about possibly seeing the benefits of living 'child free.' I'm living them right now. J and I get to sleep, we have our freedom, we can spend our money, we don't have a lot tying us down. That's the life, right? I thought so...but I am willing to give it up. I'm not saying this as a completely naive young adult either. As the week has progressed my heart has become heavy and I have returned to my previous state. My heart yearns for a child.

Now, there is something to say about all I lost. For every time I have experienced a lost, I have also experienced a gain ten fold. It's insane how hard it is to focus on the gain rather than the loss. If anyone has an advice on this, I would love to hear it. It tears me apart to always feel the heavy burden of loss.

{...thoughts...}

2008-04-15T19:07:00.000-06:00

I have neglected writing for some time. I guess you can say I lack tenacity as of late.

My recovery is still progressing slowly. I was told to give it the entire year and my doctor asked if I could financially hack taking a year off from work. Even if that were possible, I would rather work. It gives me the feeling of accomplishment which is something I need these days since I am lacking in other areas.

So I was in sacrament meeting on Sunday and I had some interesting and honestly, very surprising thoughts. Might I preface this with the fact that my ward is swarming with children under the age of 1 and then 93% of the gals are knocked up. So as I am trying to focus and find some kind of center I am bombarded with screaming, screeching, running all over the place children I thought, 'Being pregnant is hard. Labor is hard. Kids are hard. Do I really want this now?' I wasn't hurt, I wasn't mad, I wasn't trying to lash out... These were rational thoughts.

Guess what? Today, I still kinda feel the same. It's fading a bit, but does this mean I am starting to heal? Or does this mean that I am giving up?

I don't know.

Hmmm...I will try to keep up on this blog. I thought I was going to write all the time, or type rather, but lately I feel so closed. I suppose we all have those moments.

{...choices, choices...}

2008-03-30T16:28:00.002-06:00

J and I have been doing a lot of talking. Now with this brain surgery out of the way, things can start to settle and we can start making decisions without having to compute my faulty brain. We found a new RE, but I'm not sure if I want to see him yet. I am thinking I will make an appointment for the end of the summer. We want to get as much done this year as we can, considering the brain surgery so generously allowed us to meet our deductible as well as our out of pocket maximum. I'll work my insurance for all I can. Plus, with everything met, they also shell out 4 grand for adoption if all that is met. I can't believe I'm going to say this but insurance can be a beautiful thing. I also thought this when I received the 28 grand hospital statement. Hmmm, we only have to pay 450 bucks. Yes, insurance can indeed be a beautiful thing.

We really want to just see what happens with out any intervention. Sure, we run risks of miscarriage, of lots of things really, but I can't ignore the feelings I have. I don't want to deal with any more doctors, tests, all that jazz. If nothing happens by the end of the summer, then we'll get with LDS services, get with the RE and go from there.

Oh, and we aren't gonna tell a damn soul what we are doing. Blogs don't count.

{...what mom thinks...}

2008-03-25T20:42:00.004-06:00

A couple weeks ago I wrote my mom an email. It was at 3 in the morning, and I was so frustrated and hurt by everything that I needed to vent. This is what I got. I admit my heart hurts a bit. I suppose as much as I love my mother, she wont ever understand. She had 3 kids by the time she was my age. No struggles in that area. Maybe she is right, but I oft times feel like she mistakes my pain/suffering for immaturity. J and I have been through so much that we had to grow up fast. It's sad when your mom won't even give you the benefit of the doubt. Also, it seems like she thinks J and I take this lightly. We are plenty aware of what a baby entails. I wonder if she remembers I've been pregnant 3 times, and that we paid for all of that out of pocked, no insurance. (thank god we have insurance now, for the brain surgery!) I don't know, this is why we aren't talking to anyone about it anymore. I can't even vent and express my feelings without getting this kind of stuff back.

Kenna,
I have been thinking about what we talked about the other night. I got the email you sent last week too, I just wasn't sure how to respond to it. But now I can't sleep so here it is..... I don't think it's what you want to hear, but your dad and I have talked about it and we both agree that you two are more in love with the idea of a baby than the reality of having a baby. You are right, it is unfair that you have to have a screwy uterus and it's not fair that you had a brain tumor and it is not fair that absolute retards can have babies. But I really believe that you are needing this time to grow up a little and to learn to be patient. The way you talk about how everyone is giving advice and telling you what you don't want to hear and how mad it makes you, makes it clear to me that you are still quite a bit immature. You sound a bit like the kid throwing a tantrum in the toy store because Mom won't buy you the "big bike" and you are only ready for the bike with training wheels.

I think that if you stopped listening to everyone around you (family, ward, etc) that make you feel like you need to do this, and really stopped to think about the reality- you might think differently. Fact one, kids are hard-- Pregnancy is hard. It is especially hard for you. What if you get pregnant and they put you to bed at 4 1/2 months? Say you make it through pregnancy... Do you like to sleep? The little buggers get sick all the time. Forget about freedom. Kiss it goodbye for the next 18 years. All future decisions are based around the kids. Will that affect where Josh goes to pharmacy school, or if he will be able to go at all? What about your degree? Fact two-- they are expensive. Josh will still have to go to school and work full time. You will have to go to work full time. What about daycare? If he wants to change jobs, that leaves you without insurance for awhile. (if he even has time to work full time) If he can't work full time, you don't have insurance-because you sure as hell won't qualify for a private policy. Formula, diapers, tons of dr. visits, they are always growing out of their clothes. The list goes on and on. In fact adding a kid or two is the number one reason why people don't finish their education and end up living on Felon Circle with 2.5 kids trying to get someone to finance a $2500. car. Trust us on this, you have no idea how many times in the last 20 years we wish we had finished and gotten the degree.

You need to get McKenna healthy, emotionally and physically and not look for a kid to make you "whole". Fill your time with an exercise plan, go back to school while he finishes up. Lots of people don't have babies the second after they get married. It is not like you are old. You are 23 and 24 not 35 and 36. If you decide that you are not going to dwell on the situation, you will find that things will work themselves out. A healthy body might make it so that one day, you will carry your own. Most babies get dropped in your lap when you are not actively pursuing them. I also want this talk about "Josh wants one so bad, and it's not fair that he married a faulty girl" nonsense to stop!! Marriage is hard, life is hard. It isn't anymore your fault than it is his. There are no guarantees in this life. He will have to take the good with the bad. If you both decide to do other things, keep busy, change your prayers to "help me be patient", or "show me what we should do instead", maybe you can get another perspective. Tell everyone that is asking questions that are none of their damn business, that you'll have a kid when the timing is right. If you have to move from Zoobie land- do it. Take a look at Joe and Necia. Everyone can see that they are making their situation a lot harder than it needs to be, except for them. It's the same for you. Making this the center of your universe is making you miserable and it is not going to be an easy fix. We love you guys and want you to be happy. But we also have a little more life experience and realize there is a lot more time for you to attain this goal. I am sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear, but you asked for an opinion, so there it is. LoveMOM

{...continuation...}

2008-03-24T23:26:00.002-06:00

...so I had to end my thought process the other night due to drugs taking over my thought process. I have found that detoxing is no fun, and that I hate narcotics...

I remember I was cleaning up the house one night. I want to say it was the 23rd of December. Maybe the 22nd... Why do the bad things always happen around Christmas? I started to feel some cramping but I was told that was normal and I had felt some earlier in the pregnancy so I didn't really think anything of it. Until they got worse, and worse. Then I started bleeding. Lightly at first, then it got more and more intense and around midnight we took off to the hospital. I have never had good experiences with the ER. A couple years back when I ripped apart my knee it took them 5 hours to get me in and out. Not to mention they have me nothing for the pain. (the bottom half of my leg was completely disconnected from the top half) Needless to say I was in a bit of pain. Anyway, this experience didn't disappoint. It took 45 minutes just to get me admitted. In my opinion the 5 month pregnant bleeding woman should get first dibs on a room. To make a long part of this long story short, baby was fine. The placenta tore away from the uterine lining (2 mm) and caused some bleeding and agitated the uterine lining thus causing the cramps. We were told that indeed baby Addie was fine, and I would be okay, just needed to follow up with the doc in the morning, and stay down for a couple days while it healed. Easy enough, right?

Christmas was nice. We spent it with J's family. As much as they drive me insane, well, they drove me insane but at least they took it easy since I was healing. That week I still felt sick, but tried to take it easy and not to stress out too much. I constantly told myself that my baby was fine and I needed to chill out so she could chill out. For New Year's we went back to my in-laws and that night I became sicker than ever. After spending a couple of hours bent over the toilet, I suddenly became so emotional and just 'had' to call my parents to make sure they and my siblings were okay. I cried and cried to my dad for no reason, and soon after fell into a fitful sleep. I was insanely ill on Jan. 1st and had to wait until the 2nd to see the doctor. I called him (he was on call) at 5 in the morning and he said to meet him at the clinic at 8 that morning.

Check up number 371. Baby Addie was doing well. Her heartbeat had dropped a bit, but it was me that was in danger. I was put on iv's again, and sent out of the clinic feeling better and with a renewed sense of hope for my pregnancy. Every time I was told Addie was okay, I was okay.

The next day, it was a Wednesday, I crashed. My head started to throb, I thought it was going to explode. J was at work so I called my friend Steph and unlatched the flood gates. I cried and cried, and I told her I knew something was wrong, and that I didn't want to lost my baby. She assured me that everything was okay, but in my heart I knew something had gone wrong. I called the doc again that night (thank goodness he is always on call when I need him) and I met him at the clinic that morning at 9.

I wish I could have prepared myself for the events of that next day.

Went into the clinic, and the first thing Dr. C did was check for her heart beat.

Nothing.

'Check again,' I said.

Nothing.

All my doctor did was say 'I'm sorry,' then he walked out and scheduled an ultrasound to confirm the death of our baby. My nurse, who is the sweetest lady and we are good friends today, gave me a hug and told me to keep hope, that sometimes baby can move into an akward spot and the heartbeat could be hard to find.

I love her, but I didn't believe her.

I was taken quickly to the hospital for my ultrasound and that poor nurses face. I wonder how hard it has to be to tell a couple they just lost their baby. She turned on the 'sound' for the heart beat and she quickly turned the screen away.

It was official. Addie was dead at 3 days shy of 20 weeks.

{...to be continued...}

{...emotional bullemia...}

2008-03-21T22:07:00.006-06:00

Here comes the purging.

I figure since I've been doing it physically all day...

I wasn't able to go into work today. Bless my most amazing job and bosses. I gave them a text this morning, and I'm set to go for a work day at home. Sadly as soon as I got the okay (this was around 7:30 in the a.m.) I got up, took a perc, opened the window (i was sweating up a storm, fever of 101) and plopped myself on the couch. It's easier to sleep on the couch, as uncomfortable as it can be for my body, because I can keep my head at a comfortable angle. If I'm sitting upright I get sick, if I'm laying down I get sick and finding that happy medium is rough some days. Luckily today my meds kicked in fast and I was soon fast asleep.

Er, for 27 minutes.

Now it's quarter after ten and all I want to do sleep but my mind is racing with thoughts of the past 2 years. Brain surgery was just the icing on the cake. The first cake. I'm sure there are bound to be more cakes in our lives.

Hmmm, speaking of cakes...yuck, it sounds good, but stomach is yelling 'eat that cake (we really do have cake on the counter) and I will kill you...' There will be no cake for me tonight.

There isn't a day that goes by I don't think about what would have happened without that surprise pregnancy. Then again, we wouldn't have experienced the joy (and utter devastation and pain I suppose) that Addalyn gave us. I'm glad I was able to carry her for 5 months, and give her what she needed, and experience pregnancy as I won't be able to experience it again. I think of how young we were, still are, insanely young really. I was 21, newly married and newly pregnant. You know, before all of this I never wanted kids. I had a lot of plans and when J started to talk about the 'M' word, I kind of freaked out and warned him of my 'no kids, but maybe one' policy. Snap.

I remember sitting on the bathroom floor surrounded by 7 different brands of pregnancy tests. I was bawling...and not out of happiness. Devastation was more the word. In my mind's eye a movie of the life I had planned on was playing...for the last time. Of course this was an over dramatic reaction. (I was hormonal at the time) As the pregnancy progressed I warmed up to the idea of being a parent. J was ecstatic. (His family aren't the one's to wait on the whole kid thing) It was a horrible pregnancy. I averaged about 4 visits to the doc a week, and once a week I had iv's hooked up so I could get enough 'food' for me and the little. The kidney stones were by far the worst. (since you can't give an almost 5 months pregnant woman hard narcotics)

...to be continued...

{...dismal and grey...}

2008-03-20T08:33:00.004-06:00

Thank you Baby Step, Sunny, Heather, Dianne, and Hope for your comments. For the first time in a long time I feel safe and understood. It's interesting, how I have followed so many blogs, so many of your journeys without saying a word or reaching out. I found blogs related to infertility when we lost our daughter over a year ago. I've been following ever since. I have laughed and cried with many of you out there as you have triumphed and as you have met utter disappointment. It's good to finally be known.

Today I woke up to pouring rain and a pounding headache. Perfect day for the pounding headache, as I made some silly goal to not take any perc*cet today. Of course, right? I have been fighting with myself all morning about this. Good thing no one is in the office because I'm a complete mess. Sad that I have become so able on them. The only thing I can't do, or shouldn't do for that matter, is drive. I promise myself that when I go home in 3 hours I will pop one and take a most glorious nap. There you go self, how about that?

J and I decided that from now on anything related to 'operation baby' is for our ears only. It's just better that way. I tend to think and cope better when I don't have a billion voices calling out to me. Like I said earlier, it's not that I don't love them and appreciate their advice and caring natures, it's just time J and I found our center on this matter. Plus I don't think I would need all that perc*cet if I didn't have all those voices rolling around in my head. I wish there was a 'delete' button for the contents of my brain. Hmmm, then my brain surgery would have been cake. Push 'here.' Bye bye tumor.

Some days I can't believe I had brain surgery, but today is not one of those days. I ache all over, my head is going to explode, and, as gross as this is going to sound, I have the most gross smell in my nose. Best part, only I can smell it. I have to keep reminding myself that when this recovery is said and done I'm going to be a happier, healthier, less fat and brain tumor-less Kenna. I think everyone misses her. I know I do.

{...misunderstood...}

2008-03-19T22:39:00.005-06:00

Thanks to 'Baby Steps' for offering my first comment. I really hope it's not the last. It's kind of my fear that I will write and write on this blog and it will be only to the vastness of the web, and not to those who feel what I feel.

Lately my biggest problem has been the raw emotion I can't seem to control. I actually thought I was in a 'good place.' That my brain surgery (5 weeks ago today, woot woot) had brought me to a place of healing, and of a fresh start. It was that way for a while, then when J and I started talking about 'operation baby' again people kinda of freaked out.

The first phrase I am getting quite often is this, 'You are young, you have plenty of time, so why worry now?' Sigh, really? I am very aware of my age and of J's age. I'm 23 (in May) and he just turned 24. Young? You bet! Plenty of time? Well, if we are talking about my eggs, no, but in general, sure. That isn't the point though. First off, when J and I say, 'We want to start on our family again.' it doesn't mean we are going to have some awesome sex and then 10 months later end up with a little in our arms. Um, this means we are going to go find a new RE, tests, tests, get with an adoption agency, more tests, home studies, maybe uterine surgery if the new RE says I can (no luck with last RE) and then waiting, waiting, waiting. So really, time is what burns holes in our hearts. We know it's going to take a lot of time to reach our goal. If I went up to anyone else and when they said, 'We are going to start our family,' I said, 'Why? You have plenty of time.' Hmmm, that wouldn't fly. Why? Because is their own business when they decided to have a family.

Next, and this one really hurts, being told that I need to heal physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually before I think about bringing a baby into our home. Um, yeah! I would never bring a child into our home unless I was ready, or as ready as you can be. I wouldn't risk the child's life or anything of that nature. Plus, like I said in the previous paragraph, it's going to be a long time before we end up with a little so I do indeed have time (how I hate that word) to get over things and to heal more from the hurt I have experienced. Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt team. Physically yeah, I have a lot to do. I just had brain surgery for crying out loud. Plus the 80lbs being pregnant so many times and the brain tumor have so lovingly bestowed on me. This can be done! I'm seeing a very nice therapist who is helping me through the loss of Addie and of the other pregnancies and of course the trial of infertility itself. Why do I need to explain myself? Point is I know and I'm trying and again, benefit of the doubt here peeps.

I understand that this is hard to understand by those who haven't experienced trials such as these. My friends are amazing, but we have come to that point where they can't help and I just get mad and or hurt by their comments. I have decided that though I love them with all of my heart, I just can't share these feelings anymore. They are too deep and too raw to feel as if hey are wrong, misunderstood, etc.

Maybe this sounds completely messed up.

I will say that lately I miss Addalyn more than ever. I always find it troubling when I miss her because she didn't live outside my womb. Perhaps I miss what we could have had. She was our one real chance and we lost her. Maybe it's how she had blonde hair like her daddy, and a nose like me. Maybe because we saw our hopes in dreams in her...and then when they took her away we realized they took her away we weren't going to see her again in this life.

Well, we plan to see a new RE this year. I think they are going to take out one ovary. the cysts are too big and quite painful when they burst so my L ovary just isn't doing anything for me. Of course this is quite frightening because um, what if I could use those eggs? J and I will have to talk about freezing them. We also had our sister-in-law offer to be a surrogate. She's had 3 flawless pregnancies in the past 4 1/2 years. Then there is adoption.

Basically the chance of J and I conceiving and carrying a baby full term as small, like as small that little egg that so much depends on.

Sigh. Does this get old to anyone else?

...is there a blog community out there for me?...

2008-03-19T20:52:00.002-06:00

My 'other' blog just isn't going to cut if for things of this nature...

I admit, I need support from those who understand what this is like, and I hope I can find it. The road is long and hard, and most days I'm okay...or good at looking like I'm okay.
Other days, I'm ruined, heartbroken, tired...

This is my story, my road down infertility lane.